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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28989930">throw me a lifeline</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop/pseuds/royalgreen'>royalgreen (allyoop)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Horror, Canon Compliant, Dark Magic, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear, Feelings Realization, First Hug, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hijinks &amp; Shenanigans, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major spoilers for Episode 122, Mostly gen with a dash of wizardly yearning, Mutual Pining, Mystery, Pining, Rescue Missions, Tattoos, Team as Family, Trust Issues, Yearning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:08:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,522</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28989930</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop/pseuds/royalgreen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Caleb tried to keep his sight line steady; he didn't want to glance down. Didn't want to make eye contact with what was now on his shoulder, what was now on his friend's hand. It hadn't asked; it just happened. Affixed itself to them in a dream.</p><p>They need to call for help. They need to call Essek.</p><p>(major spoilers for episode 122)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>255</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I have a LOT of emotions about this recent development in the plot. Most of them sum up to "please PLEASE call Essek for help!"</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>There’s an itch in his head he can’t shake out, a voice in his mind like an echo, and something new, </span>
  <em>
    <span>terrible and new</span>
  </em>
  <span>, resting on his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb was awake. (He pinched the skin around the intrusion on his shoulder. The tattoo was flat, eerily smooth like undamaged skin. The pinch was sharp, grounding. Yes, he was awake.) He looked at Beau, they looked at each other, both of their own gazes flitting to the red eyes and back. They had pried too far into the unknown, delved in the ocean without asking the right questions, and now the weight of water was crashing back in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fjord was scrambling forward from where he was keeping watch, his brow furrowed, questions about to spring from his lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb held up a hand. “Wait, can you-” he gestured towards the sword and then around in the air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fjord shook his head, his shoulders slumped. “Not now,” he murmured. “Not yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think we’re-” Beau pointed at her eyes, her real ones, not the red one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb nodded. “Lucien’s trust does not extend very far, it is safe to assume we are being observed.” Caleb tried to keep his sight line steady, not letting his eyes look down towards the new watchful symbol on Beau’s hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fjord was shaking the others awake, pressing his fingers to his lips, hushed whispers and conversations growing like wind around them, but Beau and Caleb continued looking at one another.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a twist of emotion in her face, Beau broke the quiet. “What can we do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What does it mean?!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” Caleb wished he had another answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then there was a hand on his shoulder, on the other one, the unmarked one. “We can’t stay here!” Jester looked between her friends, anguish on her face. “What if it keeps happening? What if it gets worse?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s kill him.” Veth was already digging through her bag for who-knows-what. “Maybe he’s the source, maybe if we get rid of him, it’ll-” her voice broke. “I don’t want you to-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yasha was quieter than her usual, but everyone in the room could feel the rage rolling from the tight set of her jaw and the grip on her sword.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait-” Fjord looked around the room, uselessly squinting in the corners, at the ceiling, finding no peace of mind hidden there. “How can we leave? He’ll know the second the tower disappears and the cold hits him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He may already know.” Caduceus said, letting the truth strike the room like ice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have...our friend.” Jester looked around at them all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau looked confused. “Uh, the one outside? What can he do-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, no.” Jester went up on her tiptoes. “The </span>
  <em>
    <span>floating</span>
  </em>
  <span> one? He wants to help, he asked us how he can help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t trust him.” Beau grimaced. “But...”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“</span>
    <span><em>B</em>ut</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Caleb met her gaze. “Beauregard, I...I don’t know what this means. I am unsure if it's in my power to…it came from the dream, Beau. Manifested from the </span>
  <em>
    <span>dream</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If we weren’t all so exhausted…” This was a wobble in Jester’s voice. “I’m a cleric, I can heal, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>can</span>
  </em>
  <span> heal! And I could try, or Caduceus, but it's the middle of the night, and I just can’t. I can’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Jester-” Yasha’s rage had simmered down into the background for now, and she let go of her sword to place a hand on Jester’s arm. Yasha reached her other hand out to hold Beau’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Making plans or involving other people can wait until we’re not-” Fjord glanced upwards again, nerves tensing his body like a coiled spring. He lowered his voice again. “We can’t plan anything if we stay here. Caleb, can you take us away somewhere?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb was looking down at his arms, a map of scars he knew intimately, intrusions healed but never gone, but at least he knew </span>
  <em>
    <span>how</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span>. This tattoo, this eye, this-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-did you hear me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb’s head lifted. Fjord was leaning towards him, repeating his question. Caleb tried to focus. “Depends on the </span>
  <em>
    <span>somewhere</span>
  </em>
  <span>. There is risky, and then there is dangerous.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have to go to him.” Jester’s voice was pleading, but steady. Trying to get her friends to see reason. “We need to go somewhere safer, we need help, we need his magic. And he’s smart!” Jester tacked it on almost as an afterthought, a small smile on her face. “He’s really smart. He reads all those books, Caleb you know this, you said he was super intelligent and really handsome.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb knew what she was doing and he let his face form some mimic of a smile. “We do not know where he is, all we have is a mere scrap of a description...teleporting is flirting with death. I do not think I can take us to him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We may need to hurry.” Caduceus was looking out towards the center of the tower, his eyes focused on the bronze aperture in the ceiling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We need to leave.” Veth’s voice was sharp. “We just need to get </span>
  <em>
    <span>out</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He can meet us halfway, I’ll call him.” Jester stood up, determination bright on her face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, what-” Fjord said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If Lucien is listening right now-” Beau started.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jester waved her fingers in the air. “Hi, mama! Checking in to say our snowy trip isn’t going as planned. We got kinda lost...and hurt, but coming home to you soon!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau smiled, a real one. “Jester you mad genius.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jester curtsied. “Our friend will at least know something is happening.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Caleb-” Caduceus turned to him sharply, his usual soft demeanor gone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got on his knees and rushed to get the right components from his bag. “Gather close!” He didn’t glance up to see if his friends had followed orders, he kept sketching the familiar runes on the ground. “I have been gathering stones while we walked, as a precaution. I will take us backwards on our journey, far enough that </span>
  <em>
    <span>they</span>
  </em>
  <span> cannot quickly find us again, but not too far. It will be cold. Get ready.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jester’s hand was back on his shoulder. Veth’s on the other. A circle of friends holding hands around him. Caleb’s chalk snapped in his grip as he rushed through the last rune. Then </span>
  <em>
    <span>whoosh</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It felt thrice as cold compared to the tower’s warmth a second ago. Everyone stepped closer together, huddling against the sudden wind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re probably still being watched.” Beau looked around, squinting against the bluster of snow, but they had been dropped in pitch black. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Perhaps.” Caleb tugged his scarf closer around himself. “But I have bought us time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jester, has he replied?” Fjord asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She frowned. “No, not yet at least, maybe he’s sleeping? Should I try again?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She bit her lip. “I’m running low on spells, especially since we haven’t rested in so long.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said you took us backwards,” Beau turned to Caleb. “If we tried walking to Aeor, would we be retracing our steps right back to the Tomb Takers?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb nodded, then dragged a rough hand over his face. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Reckless, stupidly reckless and ambitious. It was obvious, he should have known. He knew what knowledge meant. He had seen Vess. He had seen Lucien. He had seen the trail of dead bodies. He should have known.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” He spat out bitterly. “We’d return right to them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fjord peered out against the darkness. “Somewhere east...our friend said he’s somewhere east of here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great load of good that does,” Veth grumbled. “If he’s stuck where he is, and we’re stuck where we are, how the hell are we supposed to get help?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jester shot up, practically dancing on her tiptoes. “Oh!” Her expression sped through reactions, relief and confusion and happiness. “He heard me, he’s awake now, he’s…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did he say?” Caleb wanted to cling to her, the hope of her message a lifeline against this chaos.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>supposed</span>
  </em>
  <span> to leave.” Jester frowned. “He sounded really frustrated, I think there’s some story there that we don’t know and the word limit, well, he didn’t say anything more about that. But he said he will find a way to us. He needs more information. Caleb, how? What can I tell him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His friends looked towards him for a response, but it just felt like more eyes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>More eyes</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Caleb didn’t have the answer, his mind was racing, they were in the middle of snowy nowhere with no landmarks. Even the sharpest magician couldn’t find a single pebble in the ocean like this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Unless…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Unless what?” Beau asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb hadn’t noticed he had spoken the thought aloud. It felt suddenly like the breaking of a promise, even though no such words had been exchanged between them. It was a small moment, so delicate. He had handed this to Caleb at the end of one study session, telling Caleb he had done so well, that he was learning so fast. Essek had smiled. Caleb remembered that clearly, that smile, that brush of hands as he dropped it into Caleb’s palm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He gave me something, a gift.” Caleb could sense a raised eyebrow and an incoming question but he rushed past that. “If you message him and remind him, he could use it as a focus to find me. To find us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it?” Jester asked. “In case he doesn’t remember?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is just a bit of obsidian.” He shrugged. “A spell component.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a weight to his words that made Jester give him a long look, but Caleb didn’t explain further. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jester ran her fingers through the air again. “Us again, mama! Very snowy outside tonight, remember that obsidian you gave Caleb? When you see us again, maybe he can give it back?” She paused, then smiled. Essek’s response was much faster that time. “He is coming. He told us to try and find a way to stay warm, it may take him some time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Some time</span>
  </em>
  <span>’?” Beau frowned. “Bastard.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He did say he was going to ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>sneak out</span>
  </em>
  <span>’, whatever that means.” Jester grinned. “Ooh, I can’t wait to see him, that sounds like some juicy story.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we dome it up?” Fjord looked to Caleb, but his face fell when he saw Caleb’s dark expression. “Okay guys, looks like we need to huddle.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s move some snow,” Caduceus started sweeping at the ground with his staff. “We can at least make a little dry spot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was painful work. Not because it was hard, but because in the silence of gloved hands pushing against the ice and dirt, it was too easy to get trapped in thought. Whispers from the echo of his dream still ran wildly through Caleb’s mind, unsettling him in their reminder of what now sat on his shoulder. It was part of him now, whatever it was. Embedded, ingrained, intertwined. It had not asked; it just </span>
  <em>
    <span>became</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ten minutes passed, then twenty. They risked a small fire from Caleb’s hands, pressing shoulder to shoulder to block the light and keep the heat. Another ten minutes, and Veth had begun complaining about a lack of common decency from Essek, with Beau joining in as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-a lack of punctuality, put that in the column of things you can’t trust about him.” She was saying. Then she stopped. Beau looked out towards the dark. “I swear to Ioun if that’s a wolf, or yeti, or anything other than Essek, I will-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t finish her thought. There was a voice calling on the wind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s Essek.” Caduceus smiled. “That’s him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was hard to see the cloaked figure against the night sky. He carried no light and his dark cloak melded in with his surroundings. He made nearly no sound, his feet never touching the ground. It was Essek.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jester was the first to stand up, walking towards him, then running. They didn’t know anything for sure, if he could help, but his presence felt like a new hope breaking through the storm. She tackled his side in a messy hug, forcing him to drop to the ground to stand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jester!” Caleb didn’t have to see him to know he was smiling despite circumstances; he could hear it in Essek’s voice. “I apologize for the wait, it was difficult to get away. I am glad to see you're all here, you’re all...alive. I feared the worst, your messages, they were...hard to decipher.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry I called you </span>
  <em>
    <span>mama</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Essek! We were afraid we were being spied on. Actually-” she looked around horrified. “Oh no, if he’s looking at us right now, he’ll see you too. He might memorize your face to scry on later, I think he can do that, he seems able to do anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who?” Essek looked startled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where are you stationed, can you take us there?” Beau stood up quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don’t have a lot of time.” Fjord explained.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I can.” Essek looked around at them all, quickly taking stock of their expressions and posture. “We can go right now. The fire-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb had already snuffed it out and was walking towards him. He had a sudden impulse to follow Jester’s example, to run towards Essek and pull him into a hug, craving the solid touch of the friend he had not seen in months, although he was so often in his thoughts. But he couldn’t. It was a wall he had built himself. He couldn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They gathered in a circle again, holding hands despite the spell not asking of this component. It was familiar and comforting, things that seemed so lacking in this journey. Caleb reached for Essek’s hand, he would allow himself this gesture (<em>he was only so strong against the tide of what he felt</em>). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was something cold and small in Essek’s palm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Essek looked down when Caleb drew his hand a few inches back. “Apologies, I forgot I was still holding…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb recognized the object, as it was the other half of Caleb’s own obsidian piece. Two parts, one whole. Caleb grasped his hand, uncaring of the object between them. He tried to smile, it was a grimace, but it would do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” His voice was low, a whisper. He did not know why, but he didn’t want to be overheard. Caleb squeezed his hand, letting the obsidian dig into them both, the pain grounding him to the moment. Essek did not pull away, but held on. “Thank you.” He repeated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go time.” Beau said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek pulled himself away from Caleb’s eyes and nodded. The swirl of magic around them blended with the snow, grey and white like a dust storm, and then they were off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hope and fear clamoring in their hearts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>here's the part 2, as requested :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The landing was not smooth. Wherever they were was just as cold and just as dark, making them feel like they had not left at all. Their circle of hands broke mid-travel, the eight of them knocking into each other, elbows into sides and stepping on toes.</p><p>“Hey, watch where you’re-!” Veth started and then instantly quieted. Essek had stumbled backwards into her, but the expression on his face caught her attention.</p><p>“We cannot be here.” Essek whispered, his eyes wide as he looked around.</p><p>“Where is <em> ‘here’ </em>?” Beau narrowed her eyes. “Where did you take us?”</p><p>“It’s the outpost, except...it's the wrong one. We cannot be out in the open like this.” There was a strained note in Essek’s voice. </p><p>Caleb felt completely untethered, and it wasn’t the blustering wind or his blindness in the dark. Some part of his brain was running calculations and hypotheses from the moment he had seen the red eye appear on his skin, a voice in the background of his mind that was growing increasingly louder. All seemed to lead to the same outcome: <em> not good </em>. </p><p>He looked around, pretending to be of some use, but he could only make out vague shapes. He wrapped his scarf tighter against his face.</p><p>“Are we...on a ship?” Fjord asked, peering at their surroundings. </p><p>And once he said the statement it became so obvious; the gentle rocking of the ground below them was not the lingering motion sickness of teleportation. </p><p>They were in the middle of some open area similar to a town square, the floor underneath them built from sturdy wood, which was a welcome change from the slush and snow. There were scattered lanterns swinging from platforms here and there, but their light was shaded by the awnings that seemed to drape every which way above them. Even the moonlight didn’t seem to reach the deck, but Caleb figured most visitors likely fared better in the dark than he. </p><p>“We <em> cannot </em> be here.” Essek repeated, agitation pitching his voice higher. “We’re on the <em> New Radiance </em>, there is no time to explain, but I must get you below to the private quarters before we are caught.”</p><p>“Tell us what we need to do.” Fjord’s voice was low but commanding, trying to be heard through Essek’s nerves. </p><p>Essek’s eyes kept darting around. “I have no idea how to get us down below unseen. You’re all so obvious, no offense.” He let out a quiet, slightly manic giggle. “This place is a highly guarded secret, and I’ve dropped us all onboard.”</p><p>They all pressed closer together against the wall, tensions starting to boil the cold out of their limbs. </p><p>“Is it because we’re not drow?” Beau asked. </p><p>“Yes, partially. Only a select few are allowed onboard for travel. There’s documentation, there’s a manifest.” He looked quickly around again. “There’s guards.”</p><p>“Well, easy peasy.” Jester smiled. “Some of us can use a disguise, some of us can go invisible. We’ll be fine! Just lead the way.”</p><p>“Jester,” Caleb’s voice came as a surprise to himself. He sounded ragged and hoarse, straining to speak under the weight of something he wasn’t sure how to name yet. “Some of us cannot do that today, not until we rest.”</p><p>Her smile faltered. “Yeah, yeah me too. I just… I was hoping…”</p><p>“Essek, can’t you do something? Isn’t there something you can cast on all of us?” Beau raised an eyebrow at him, an almost dare in her expression.</p><p>“There are too many of you.” His reply was a hiss of a whisper.</p><p>“Oh, really?” Veth responded, as quiet as she could, which wasn’t that quiet. “Caleb could cast disguises on all of us at once. His magic must be better than yours. Maybe there’s some things you can learn from him.”</p><p>“Veth.” Caleb turned to her, but she just shrugged with a smile on her face.</p><p>“No, there are too many of you. That’s the core issue. One or two, even without a drow disguise, would not raise suspicion. But an entirely new group on board in the middle of the night…”</p><p>“We’ll have to do it the old-fashioned way. We have to sneak around and not get caught.” Despite the tension of the situation, there was a shit eating grin on Beau’s face. “Maybe a little B and E too.”</p><p>Jester was dancing in place. “Yes! We can totally be sneaky.”</p><p>“<em> By the Light </em>.” Essek muttered. “This will not work. But as an added measure-” and he passed his fingers in the air and said a few words. “There. This may help us not fail immediately.”</p><p>It didn’t feel like anything had changed, but the visuals were clearly different. Gone were their custom coats and embroideries, gone was the cobalt blue or the warm toned leathers. Caleb’s scarf had morphed into a purple-black cloak with a fur collar, worn over the tailored clothing of Xhorhas. Around him his friends were in similar darker colors, greys and blues and purples, flashes of silver and gold as rare accents. Those with armor found their hammered metals replaced with chitinous plates similar to the Aurora Watch. And most differently of all, they looked fully drow. They could pass as part of the Dens now.</p><p>A very curious expression was on Essek’s face. He didn’t look pleased. </p><p>“Oh gosh this is weird. I look so different but when I touch myself-” and Jester poked her arm, the finger going through the purple robe an inch. “It feels the same.”</p><p>“Let’s, uh, save the touching ourselves for later.” Fjord gave her a lopsided grin before turning back to Essek. “We’ll keep watch, you lead us.”</p><p>Essek tore his eyes away from Caleb and stepped away from the wall. “Yes. Lead. I can do that. I believe the quickest way is straight through.”</p><p>They followed as quietly as they could, although nothing was as quiet as Essek’s floating steps. It was a strange place, wherever this was. They were clearly following a main passageway, the only one that seemed to have any night lanterns at all, but it was still narrow and twisting. Structures seemed to be built <em> up </em> rather than wide, and judging from Essek’s brief mention, there was also a <em> below </em>. </p><p>Caleb looked down at his hands. He had cast disguise self many times, but never a drow. It was always odd to look down and see unblemished hands. He assumed if he rolled up his sleeve his arms would be visibly smooth, memoirs of his past hidden with magic. He wondered if Essek had picked this face for him, chosen a stranger in the crowd, or maybe it was someone more important. Essek had lingered on Caleb longer than the others, moments beyond the necessary casting time. </p><p>Caduceus and Fjord flanked behind Essek as they slunk through the deck. While Essek did lead them with confidence, left, left, and right, his nerves were obvious in the way he tensed at every open spot between awnings, trying to dart past beams of moonlight like they were spotlights. Occasionally Caduceus would tap his arm and point out a figure in the distance, or Fjord would tug his robe and they’d wait for the rest to catch up before turning the corner. They were all trying their best to be silent but the creaking wooden planks and the clink of armor and jangly bags made slower steps necessary. </p><p>They had gone shockingly far across the deck before the real obstacle loomed in front of them. The crowded structures had given way to a wide open space, several lanterns swung on tall poles, and the mouth to the door below decks was in sight. And there were, of course, three figures standing beside it. They seemed to be in conversation, leaning against the wall in relaxed positions, but that did not do much for Essek’s nerves.</p><p>“It's impossible, we’ll be found out.”</p><p>“Are they guards?” Caduceus peered his head around Essek and Fjord, but squinted to catch details in the dark.</p><p>“No,” Essek held his breath and he quickly peeked around the wall for another look. “Only one is in uniform, the other two seem to be… perhaps crewmen on the boat? It looks to be a friendly conversation, no alarm has been raised yet, but still…. We are not supposed to be here.” </p><p>“Distraction or talking?” Jester asked.</p><p>Essek gave her an incredulous look. “This is a very important outpost, I do not think guards of this caliber can be easily fooled.”</p><p>Yasha suddenly looked back and forth. “Where did Beau and Veth go?”</p><p>The answer became clear when a loud rattling noise erupted somewhere in the distance, a metallic scrape then <em> clang! </em> of something that should not be knocked over. The guards’ body language immediately stiffened. There was some quick conversation, then two of the three figures strode off to investigate.</p><p>“They’re going to get caught!” Essek whispered sharply.</p><p>“Trust.” Fjord smiled at him. “Give them a moment.”</p><p>“Give who a moment?” Said a familiar voice from behind them. The group turned and Beau was standing there grinning.</p><p>“Just one guard to go.” Said Veth’s voice from an invisible spot beside Beau. </p><p>“I got this one!” Jester ran a hand over her cloak, dusting absolutely no dust off the illusion, and strode forward.</p><p>Even in the near black night, Caleb could see that Essek was sweating and flushed in the face. It looked like a panic attack, which Caleb could easily identify just from personal memory. The image of the obsidian struck through his mind again and he gripped Essek’s shoulder. Essek jumped at the touch, but his floating feet made no sound. He calmed briefly when he saw whose hand it was.</p><p>“Give her a moment.” He knew Essek could see him clearly in the dark, so Caleb tried to keep his expression reassuring. “Jester can work magic when she wants to.”</p><p>“I do not doubt her, but…” The strain of fear was still squeezing Essek’s voice.</p><p>“She has a plan. Just breathe.” Essek took a shuddering breath, and gave Caleb a dimmed attempt at a smile. Caleb hoped Jester knew what she was doing, because they had no room for error, no time for getting caught. Not tonight, not when the eyes had come, not when so many other things were already going wrong.</p><p>Jester strode over to the lone guard then suddenly dropped to the ground in front of him, arms flailing in a dramatic faint. Caleb dug his fingers into Essek’s cloak, watching intently and straining to hear anything at this distance. The guard helped Jester up, and then there was a long stretch of what appeared to be conversation. Jester was gesticulating animatedly as she spoke; the guard was stoic in front of her. Minutes passed and the other two figures did not return. It seemed whatever Beau and Veth accomplished had been distraction enough. And then Jester was hugging the guard and the sound of laughter was unmistakable in the air. Jester turned around to face where her friends were hiding in the darkness, waving exuberantly at them, gesturing for them to approach.</p><p>“What did she-?” Essek whispered.</p><p>“It’s part of her charm.” Beau grinned and started walking forward. </p><p>After a quick glance behind them, Fjord strode forward as well. “No one can resist Jester.”</p><p>Caleb felt one layer of the heavy tension leave him, and dropped his hand from Essek’s cloak. There was a crunched wrinkle from where he had been gripping it. They had cleared this obstacle, and now onto the next.</p><p>Fjord approached Jester while keeping his gaze on the guard. “Good evening, friend. Are we...good?”</p><p>The drow grinned at Fjord. “Of course Mr. Fancypants! Fiona here just explained the whole situation. Forgive me for not recognizing your group immediately.”</p><p>“Uh huh.” Fjord raised an eyebrow at Jester. She just smiled a terribly innocent smile.</p><p>“You will permit us to go to our quarters below?” Essek spoke. Caleb had to give him credit. Now that they were in front of the guard Essek had pulled together a very convincing mask of detached calm.</p><p>“Of course, sir. You are all on the manifest.” The guard gestured at the scroll case that hung from his belt.</p><p>“Oh!” Jester gasped. “Actually bestie, can I see that real quick? Just for a second, you’ll let me, right?”</p><p>“Of course Fiona, anything to help you.” The drow unlatched his case and held the parchment out to Jester.</p><p>“Fjord, turn around.” Jester poked Fjord’s side. “I need a flat surface.”</p><p>“Wait, what-”</p><p>Jester unrolled the parchment onto Fjord’s back, and fetched a quill from her bag. She started writing and then paused to catch Essek’s eye. She gave him an exaggerated eyebrow waggle.</p><p>Essek replied with a confused look. Jester gestured at him, then pointed at the space next to her.</p><p>Essek floated over to her. “Did you need me?”</p><p>“I’m adding our names to the manifest.” She whispered, trying to move her mouth as little as possible. “But then I realized we probably shouldn’t use our real names, but how can we ensure that we’re okay on board, like what names would we even use? Or should we try to leave no trace and not write <em> any </em> names?”</p><p>Essek’s lips twitched. If Jester didn’t know better, it looked like he was stifling a laugh. “Well...<em> Fiona </em>, as I am the only one with pre-approved clearance to be on board, I believe it does not matter if our names are on there or not. They would be suspicious of any name they do not recognize.”</p><p>Jester bit her lip in thought. “He thinks we’re friends right now, but the spell won’t last forever. What if someone does check?”</p><p>“I…” That gave Essek pause. He was already risking trouble having left his post in the middle of the night. He was already courting danger by having the Nein aboard this outpost. What was a little more? “Fiona, go ahead and write Fancypants party of eight. That should be sufficient. And if they have questions later, well, we will just have to improvise.”</p><p>Jester grinned. “Ooh, Essek, how risky of you! I am loving this new side of you.” She scrawled her fake name on the paper with a flourish. She turned back to the guard. “Here you go, darling,” Her fake accent was sliding all over the place and Essek once again stifled a smile. “Have a good evening, you’re a great friend, thanks for everything.” She tugged at Fjord and Essek, the two closest to her, and started quickly retreating through the door. </p><p>The rest followed suit, giving courteous or confused nods at the guard, and went through the door after Jester. They descended down a wooden flight of steps into the deck below. At the foot of the stairs they all paused for a breath, adjusting to the still dim light and looking ahead. This area was more structured; there was a clear middle corridor with a series of branching hallways with doors that presumably lead to private rooms. </p><p>“Do we just… find an empty room?” Beau peered into the darkness, her goggles over her eyes.</p><p>“Lets go further in.” Essek started floating forwards. “I would like some distance between us and anyone else.”</p><p>Caleb let his eyes flit over the doors, trying to keep a count. This was a large ship, definitely more spacious than the Ball Eater, with doors set at even intervals along the hallway. Towards the front there were a few larger areas with open doorways and the faintest outlines of chairs and tables beyond them. He assumed these were meeting and lounge rooms. The middle stretch contained dozens of closed doors and some had flickering light spilling faintly from below. After so long in the frozen ice with only his friends and enemies as company, it was unnerving to see such signs of normal life. </p><p>When the last sounds of muffled speech had completely died down Essek paused in front of a door. He floated forward, turning to press an ear to the door. </p><p>“It should be empty.” His voice was still strained, the nerves returning.</p><p>Caduceus stepped forward and joined suit. “Unless someone is sleeping very quietly or is dead, it doesn’t sound like there is anyone in there already.”</p><p>“Dead?” Essek glanced at him.</p><p>Fjord patted him on the back as he stepped forward to open the door. “It’s Caduceus’s idea of a joke.”</p><p>“Not really.” Caduceus smiled. “You just never know. The dead are pretty quiet, except when they’re not. And when they’re not, well that’s a whole other problem to deal with.”</p><p>Essek opened the door, and after letting the creak echo into the space and hearing no response, they all entered. Caleb spun a few amber globules to float above the group for better light. It was a decently furnished room, considering they were floating on the sea, and felt like some of the nicer inns they’ve stayed in.</p><p>“Oh, Essek!” Jester threw her arms around him for the second time that night. “We have so much to talk about! I don’t even know where to start, gosh, there’s so much that-”</p><p>He gently pulled her arms off. “Wait, <em> wait </em>. You said you’re being spied on?” Jester nodded and Essek passed a hand through the air. He looked all around the room. “It appears no one is looking right now.” He turned nervously towards the door and made another hand motion. “We are now as safe as we can be.” </p><p>“You said you’re our friend, right?” Jester looked intensely at Essek, ignoring the ‘<em> hmm </em>’ and fake cough from some of the people around her. “You’d do anything for us?”</p><p>Essek looked startled but nodded. “Anything that is in my power to do.” He glanced across the faces of his friends, once again staring a moment too long at Caleb. “Oh, one moment.” He dropped their disguises, no longer needed in this space alone. Caleb watched the familiar pink scarred color return to his wrists and hands. He hadn’t thought to check if the eye gleamed brightly through the disguise, or if that had been covered too. Some resolute inner voice assured him it would not be so easily covered.</p><p>Jester gave a little twirl. “So glad to be myself again, those colors were just <em> blegh </em>. Oh!” She raised her hand to her mouth. “I didn’t mean- Essek I think you look great and mysterious and-”</p><p>Essek smiled, looking relieved rather than offended. “I take no offense, do not worry. You look much better like this; like yourselves.” He smiled briefly at Caleb, then turned away.</p><p> </p><p>It took longer than expected to catch him up on all the convoluted details of the past few months. Caleb felt exhausted hearing it again. So much had happened; he had forgotten just how many conflicts and discoveries and failures they had stumbled into in such a short time. Jester took the reins in telling an almost amusing recap, with the others jumping in here and there with details. Caleb hung back. He didn’t want to talk right now, he wanted to watch. He catalogued every shift of expression, every twitch of Essek’s face. So far so good.</p><p>And then Caduceus mentioned <em> eyes </em>, and Caleb sat up straight. Beau was faster.</p><p>“Maybe not that.” She spoke through her teeth, giving Caduceus a sharp look.</p><p>“Why not?” Jester asked. She looked genuinely perplexed. “He can help!”</p><p>Beau turned to look at her, the expression on her face conveying either ‘<em> yeah right </em> ’ or ‘ <em> fat chance </em>’. </p><p>Caleb almost raised his hand to his shoulder, the eye itching like it knew it was the subject of conversation. His chest was squeezed again with a sudden roaring impulse that resonated past the careful walls he built. “Yes, why not?” He said.</p><p>“Caleb...are you sure?” Beau looked surprised.</p><p>He let his actions answer. He unwrapped his scarf, one, two, three times. Shrugged out of his overcoat, fingers already working meticulously down the buttons on his shirt. </p><p>Essek glanced between Beau and Caleb, clearly confused but letting it play out. </p><p>Jester quickly turned to the rest of the group. “Ooh, Yasha, maybe open your wings and give Caleb a little privacy?”</p><p>“You have wings?” Essek’s eyebrows jumped up. “What else have I missed?”</p><p>Caleb was mostly out of his winter clothes now. The cold seemed distant, barely a blip on his current sea of thoughts and feelings. His hands moved routinely, like this was simply a bath at the end of a long day, no one else in the room, nothing to hide and nothing to fear. He opened his shirt and pulled one sleeve off, the red eye unshrouded and wide open. Red. Bright. Staring.</p><p>Essek didn’t react at first. He looked around the group, reading their expressions, and Caleb realized he lacked the vital context that had shaken the Nein so much at the sight.</p><p>“Lucien has these. The Tomb Takers have these. It came from a dream, from reading a book.”</p><p>Understanding broke across Essek’s face and his expression immediately sprinted from curious to worried. He raised a hand, then left it hovering an inch over Caleb’s skin. “...From a dream?”</p><p>“They welcomed me. Us.” Caleb inclined his head at Beau. “Surrounded us and welcomed us.”</p><p>Beau held out her unwrapped hand. Essek approached, leaning in close but never touching. With a familiar motion, he cast identify, then frowned at the results. Another motion, another spell. Detect magic, Caleb guessed. And another frown from Essek. Caleb could practically see the checklist Essek was working his way through; it was the same way he would have done it. Stepping back a little from Beau, Essek waved his fingers through the air in a circle, then reached through the shimmering space that appeared. He pulled out a thick leather bound book, then pinched the hole closed. He flipped through it with a speed like he knew what he was looking for wouldn’t be found in there. But he had to try. </p><p>Essek flipped through the book again, and then uncharacteristically tossed it on the small table in the room. He let out a frustrated sigh. “I don’t know what this is.”</p><p>The room seemed to sink with him, letting out a collective sigh as a sliver of hope was snuffed out.</p><p>Standing this close to him, Caleb could read his face clear as day, and it wasn’t like Essek was attempting to hide any expression. There was frustration, shame, and fear. His hands were slightly shaking, even as he clenched his fingers into fists.</p><p>“I want to help, but I do not recognize this. I’ve never come across any symbol, any temporary brand like this… I <em> want </em> to help but…”</p><p>“Aw, we know that Essek-” Jester started.</p><p>“Well shit, you were our best bet.” Beau interrupted.</p><p>“Temporary is the keyword.” Fjord mumbled, something pensive in his expression.</p><p>Yasha stood up to her full height. “It better be temporary. Or I will be having words with that... Lucien.”</p><p>Caleb hadn’t expected much. He hadn’t even left a window cracked open to hope. Knowing the dark and strange forces Lucien was flirting with, Caleb never expected the eyes to have an easy dissolution. But still, it dragged his heart lower to think even a knowledgeable practitioner like Essek didn’t have a solid guess.</p><p>Caleb stepped through the room, moving to find a semblance of more solid ground, and sank down on the edge of the bed. He wanted to be alone to think. He wanted to be surrounded by support. He didn’t know what he wanted.</p><p>There was some conversation still happening, its roll and lull mimicking the motion of the ship. And then a crossing shadow, and movement on the bed next to him. Essek had joined him, sitting on the side facing the eye.</p><p>After a moment he spoke. “I won’t give up. I have so much to repay still, and I will not stand idly by and watch you -<em> my friends </em>- suffer whatever this may be.” </p><p>Whatever willpower Caleb had staunchly hid behind thus far had finally crumbled. He was <em> tired </em>. And Essek was right here. Here for him.</p><p>Caleb reached out his arms and pulled Essek towards him. It was a hug, by technical definition, but it was so much more. It was a need, a want, a desperate cling to something that still made sense. Essek was complicated, but Caleb understood. Even through hurt and distrust Caleb still understood. <em> Thinner than a razor’s edge </em>.</p><p>There was nearly no air between them, Caleb holding him tightly, his hands gripping onto folds of Essek’s cloak like Caleb was afraid he’d slip away. It took Essek a moment to catch up, a moment to inhale sharply, a moment for his body to relax against Caleb’s and wrap his arms around him. Caleb could feel him let out a long exhale, the breath of his sigh tickling across his bare skin. </p><p>Caleb dug his fingers into Essek’s clothes. He wanted to move his hands, a firebolt of an urge surging through his limbs. It would be so easy to raise his hands to Essek’s face, to cup his jaw in a gentle cradle, to tilt his face and—</p><p>But Caleb couldn’t. There were eyes all around him: his friends’, his enemies’, judging eyes in the memories of his past. He couldn’t. He wanted to but he couldn’t. </p><p><em> Ah, </em>that was new though. Caleb felt his lips tug into a wry smile against Essek’s shoulder. There it was, the admittance. It was clear in his mind even though so much else was cloudy. He liked Essek. Liked him beyond friends. Caleb wanted him here with him, wanted him to stay in his arms, to stay with the Nein. He could think it, imagine it freely. Maybe he could even say it.</p><p> </p><p>“Caleb?”</p><p>Essek’s voice was slightly above a whisper, but Caleb could hear it as close as he was.</p><p>He mentally slid a brick, a temporary one, into the gap in his wall and pulled back from Essek’s body. It took a minute to untangle himself, and he immediately missed the warmth. He gazed at Essek’s face, reading his expression, and Caleb couldn’t help but smile as he noticed the flush across Essek’s ears and cheeks. </p><p>The sounds of the room around him suddenly pulled back into focus. He could hear the quiet murmurs of conversation, the shuffling of feet. Caleb felt a heat start to build on his own face. He had to say something, Essek was looking at him, he had to respond. </p><p>“Thank you for coming. For finding us.”</p><p>Essek opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. “Well I, yes of course. I would never be able to live with myself if I had let danger befall you, not when it was within my reach to help.”</p><p>“And we’re so very glad you helped, Essek!” Jester immediately piped up. Caleb wondered how long she had been listening in even while giving them space.</p><p>Essek glanced away from Caleb, looking back towards the center of the room. “But this was the wrong place to bring you. This was….a mistake.”</p><p>“Doesn’t teleportation go weird out here?” Fjord asked.</p><p>Esssrk sighed and nodded. </p><p>“See! Then it isn’t like you brought us here on purpose!” Jester skipped over, almost looking like she was going to hug Essek again, but stopped herself. She glanced between Caleb and Essek, her eyebrow raised.</p><p>“You didn’t bring us here on purpose, right?” Beau’s tone was casual but her expression wasn’t.</p><p>“No, no of course not! This is troublesome for both of us.”</p><p>“And the eye?” Jester gestured at Caleb.</p><p>“What?” Essek looked confused.</p><p>“Caleb’s eye? That you were...closely inspecting?”</p><p>The flush tickled deeper across Essek’s cheeks. “That I cannot fix. Whatever magic created it seems resistant to my own, and it is not something I have seen before.”</p><p>“Fuck. What now?” Beau crossed her arms.</p><p>“May I interest you in a little travel?” Essek smiled.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Fjord asked.</p><p>“Let’s just say I have abandoned a post I was told I must stay firmly tied to.”</p><p>“You can teleport us again tonight?” </p><p>He sighed. “I’d rather not, but the alternative seems incalculably worse. Either we’re found out on board, or I’m found missing.”</p><p>“Not good.” Caduceus nodded sagely.</p><p>Essek gave him a wry smile.</p><p>The hug had given Caleb a moment of respite against the whirl of his mind. He felt more grounded, and aware enough to see the nervous bounce of Essek’s knee, the way his hands never stayed still.</p><p>“Are <em> you </em> okay?” Caleb let his hand rest on top of Essek’s for a breath of a moment.</p><p>“Ah, that.” Essek turned his half-smile Caleb’s way. “It's complicated. There is political gossip, there are whispered rumors, there are certainly some assassins-”</p><p>“Whoa, hold up-” Jester started.</p><p>“Yeah, that tracks.” Beau jumped in.</p><p>Essek glanced back at the door. “Perhaps...not here. Or at all. Really, it is not of importance.”</p><p>“Friendship is not one way.” Caleb shifted on the bed to look Essek head on. “You cannot solely be worried for us, and for us never to be worried for you.”</p><p>Again, Caleb was grateful he was sitting so close. A spectrum of feelings ran across Essek’s face before settling onto shame-tinged surprise.</p><p>“I will catch you up on my goings-on, but I do not feel comfortable lingering here.”</p><p>“Then take us away, Mr. Shadowhand!” Jester held out her hands expectantly, assuming her friends would form the circle around her.</p><p>For the second time that night Caleb reached for Essek’s hand. Having now learned the spell himself, Caleb knew teleportation required no physical touch to function, but he would never correct Essek. This was a secret he was happy to keep close to the heart.</p><p>And honestly, Caleb really wanted to hold Essek’s hand.</p><p>Caleb was tired of hiding parts of himself away. He had been running for half his life, stacking mental brick walls for just as long. It had begun as safety, but then it became a weight to drag as he went. But the Nein had broken in. They were the most chaotic, reckless, fiercely loving change in Caleb’s sorry life. There was room for more, now that the door was open. </p><p><em>S</em><em>urely </em> , Caleb thought, <em> I could welcome one more. </em></p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you forever and always for reading and commenting. This fandom is so special &lt;3</p><p> </p><p>(As always, feel free to follow me on <a href="https://rainbowcaleb.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> for more critrole shenanigans, or to prompt me with more fic to write!)</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have an idea for how this scene would continue... let me know if you want to see a part 2!</p><p>Thank you for reading, commenting, and kudos. You're all lovely people :)</p><p>(As always, feel free to follow me on <a href="https://rainbowcaleb.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> for more critrole shenanigans, or to prompt me with more fic to write!)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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